The Perfect Holiday Cards for My Hunting Buddies, According to McManus

Patrick F. McManus, OL’s longtime back-page columnist and beloved outdoor humor writer, got here out of retirement to jot down this remaining story for the Dec. 2013/Jan. 2014 challenge of Out of doors Life journal. He died in 2018.

These days I’ve been regretting that I didn’t snap images of sure expressions on the faces of my pals over our a few years of tenting, searching, and fishing collectively. I’d prefer to put these images on Christmas playing cards to mail to them. Oh, what a kick they might get out of these particular moments, captured for posterity!

Exploding Pants

The primary expression I’d protect can be one which appeared on the face of my buddy Richie a few years in the past. 4 of us, all about 15 years previous, had simply completed a number of days of tenting at a sequence of excessive mountain lakes and have been mountain climbing dwelling down a really steep mountain path. I ought to point out right here that Richie’s mom had made him a pair of black wool shorts that went down previous his knees. They didn’t meet my sense of tenting apparel in any respect, however Richie’s mom stated they reminded her of the kilts that she had as soon as seen Scottish troopers put on. And Highland troopers, she stated, have been very, very robust.

The primary expression I’d protect can be one which appeared on the face of my buddy Richie a few years in the past. 4 of us, all about 15 years previous, had simply completed a number of days of tenting at a sequence of excessive mountain lakes and have been mountain climbing dwelling down a really steep mountain path. I ought to point out right here that Richie’s mom had made him a pair of black wool shorts that went down previous his knees. They didn’t meet my sense of tenting apparel in any respect, however Richie’s mom stated they reminded her of the kilts that she had as soon as seen Scottish troopers put on. And Highland troopers, she stated, have been very, very robust.

Nicely, in fact they might have needed to be. Had Richie worn these shorts into city, he would have needed to combat his manner dwelling once more. He was robust, however not robust sufficient to put on black wool shorts into our little logging city.

The three of us different campers by no means snickered or smiled or in another manner let on that we seen the shorts. It wasn’t that we have been being well mannered, solely cautious—that’s how robust Richie was. The one purpose I’m writing in regards to the shorts now could be that Richie lives on the East Coast, and I dwell out West. He must get on a aircraft or a bus at appreciable time and expense to journey out right here to beat me up.

We have been working our manner down the path once we got here throughout a fallen tree. Three of us made it over with none hassle, however Richie determined to leap it. Nearly as quickly as he turned air­borne, the shorts hooked on a snag and exploded! A dozen or so items of black wool, every no greater than a enjoying card, drifted to the bottom. Now, if you happen to occur to be somebody who collects bizarre expressions, you possibly can’t do higher than the face of an individual whose shorts have simply exploded in midair.

Flash. Click on!

Richie stood there in a state of shock and semi-nakedness, staring down on the stays of his former apparel. After we completed squealing with delight, we got here to Richie’s rescue. We straightened the shank of a fishhook and used it as a needle to stitch all of the patches right into a quite enticing skirt, one thing a Scottish soldier may really feel fairly comfy carrying, even perhaps whereas marching into battle. You would nearly hear the bagpipes over our laughter as Richie strutted off down the path.

Beating Brush

A few years later, on a mountain climbing journey within the mountains, my buddy Lenny got here up with one other expression I want I had recorded. We had simply come throughout some recent grizzly tracks on the path. They have been so recent, the truth is, that the sides of the tracks have been nonetheless falling in on themselves. Let me disclose right here that I’ve by no means been keen on grizzlies, however as a young person, I used to be afraid of them.

The group of us acquired to our knees to look at the tracks close-up. There was a slim band of brush and timber between us and a lake simply off the path, and I figured the bear needed to be in that slim cowl. So I hissed at Lenny, “We’ve acquired to get out of right here, quick!”

In his infuriatingly calm vogue, Lenny stated, “Pat, you’re at all times so jumpy. You don’t should be so anxious by grizzlies. They’re extra afraid of us than we’re of them.”

Abruptly a grouse exploded out of a bush instantly behind him.

Flash. Click on!

Oh, how I’d love to stick a photograph of Lenny’s expression on a Christmas card and ship it to him. I don’t know who would have taken the image, although—I personally was 50 yards down the path by the point the shutter would have closed.

Sizzling-Range League

On an tour into the excessive Rocky Mountains when the 4 of us have been all youngsters, Kenny, Vern, Normy, and I have been caught in a summer time blizzard. We have been all carrying tennis footwear and dressed for June climate. Moist, chilly, and prepared to surrender in despair, we came across a tiny cabin constructed by some fur trapper a century earlier than. We evicted a useless porcupine and moved in to experience out the storm.

The cabin had a tiny range with a rusty steel chimney that rose up—nearly—to a gap that had been minimize for it within the roof. We figured that the 10-inch hole between stovepipe and ceiling would nonetheless be capable to draft smoke. So we collected a provide of firewood, piling it in a foot-high row between the range and a wall. It made a pleasant low bench for us to take a seat on and soak up the welcome warmth.

Kenny and I quickly bored with being trapped within the cabin, so we hiked as much as Harrison Lake, our meant vacation spot. We returned soaking moist and freezing, stripped off our garments right down to our shorts, and plopped onto the bench of firewood subsequent to the range.

As we sat there, I seen that the steel chimney was now white-hot and type of trembling with the drafting warmth and smoke. That’s once I noticed Normy, posed like a basketball guard making ready to make a shot from past the arc. In his hand was a peeled hardboiled egg. I glanced as much as detect the “basket.” It was the open finish of the white-hot stovepipe! I attempted to shout at Normy, however the urgency of getting up off our woodpile completely preoccupied my thoughts.

Norm shot. The egg caught, scorching, on the sting of the stovepipe, which toppled towards my naked legs. I caught it and juggled it in my fingers earlier than passing it to Kenny. He tossed it again, simply as rapidly. I threw the pipe down on the dust ground. Shortly thereafter, I heard Normy screaming because the near-naked Kenny chased him by way of the blizzard up the aspect of a mountain.

Flash. Click on!

Caught! The expression on the face of a near-naked one that has simply been handed a white-hot stovepipe.

Tree Plucking

On a hunt a few weeks earlier than Christmas some years later, I had spent all morning wading in snow as much as my knees following a dozen deer trails, none with a deer on the finish. I used to be exhausted. I headed again to my pickup, which was parked on the sting of a mountain highway, to fulfill up with two of my pals. As I trudged down the mountain, I came across a gorgeous little Christmas tree. “Excellent!” I stated to myself. “Possibly I’ll go dwelling with out a deer, however no less than I’ll go dwelling with a Christmas tree.”

I continued on right down to my truck, acquired my little bow noticed out from behind the seat, hiked again up the mountain, and sawed down the tree. I then hauled it right down to the highway and caught it upright in a snowy financial institution throughout from the truck. Already a plan was taking form in my thoughts. I rigorously erased all tracks resulting in and from the tree.

Presently, my pals confirmed up, each of them having seen a thousand tracks however none with deer standing in them. I stated, “The identical with me. However I simply seen that little spruce over there. It might make good Christmas tree. I believe I’ll take it dwelling with me.”

Orvie stated, “Yeah, nice thought. You bought one thing to chop it down with?”

“Naw,” I stated. “I’ll simply pull it up.”

“Yeah, proper,” he stated. “We’d as properly begin for dwelling.”

“As quickly as I get my tree,” I stated. I slogged over to the spruce, grabbed it, and pretended to be straining mightily in an effort to tear it out of the snow and floor. Proper on cue, as was his behavior of telling me issues I couldn’t do, Orvie stated, “You’re loopy, Pat! You may’t simply pull a tree out of the bottom like that!”

At that instantaneous I popped the tree up out of the snow.

Flash. Click on!

If solely a digital camera had been targeted on Orvie, I’d at this very minute be pasting the photograph of his expression on a Christmas card to mail to him. In any case, what higher method to take pleasure in this season than to achieve out to these pals who’ve shared such memorable open air experiences? I’m positive they’d love to listen to from me.

Learn extra OL+ tales.